I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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