When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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