You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
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I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
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I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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