I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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