cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
