You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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