I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
