party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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