she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
