I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She's the barista slut.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
