I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
