I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
