she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
