if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
