dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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