While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
