Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
