Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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