I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law