Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife