I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go