I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage