I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
