Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
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I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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