I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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