Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
