I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
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I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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