if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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