all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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