So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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