Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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