My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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