R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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