Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed