i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
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ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
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So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.