I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
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a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
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His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.