soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
