On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
