Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I met the friendliest cop last night
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
