You're so nebulous sometimes
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
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i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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