I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I want a musical about memes.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
