dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
