I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
