I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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