So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
