seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
