the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
