Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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