Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
