When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
