I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
