I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
