the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
