We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
