No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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