I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
