my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
